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ANP’s Top 9 Things Liberals and Conservatives Should Stop Doing.

Welcome to the information age where every loudmouthed jerk with an internet connection has a blog. Everyone knows that the most riveting form of literature is the enumerated list, apparently, as it now represents nearly 30%* of the entire volume of the internet. In an anemic effort to keep up with the latest outdated trends we felt obliged to create a list of our own. As these lists are typically, inexplicably and most irritatingly, numbered to some random, meaningless digit we have developed this top nine, because ten was too predictable and eleven seemed like too much work.

Without further ado (don't mind if ado) here is the ANP's top things Liberals and Conservatives should, immediately, stop doing on the internet.

1. Stop saying liberals and conservatives. The first red flag of any politically charged post usually occurs right there in the first sentence when someone comes out blasting the words liberal and conservative. You can practically hear the syllables puked right out of their mouth. They are spat out with the same venom used in racial slurs and are a pretty good indicator of where the next sentences are going. Never have words been so epically overused since the word epic. They are meaningless labels used to categorize the US and the THEM that leave no grey areas or middle ground between them. The comical plot twist to this story is that the “liberals” and the “conservatives” are really both the same person. Mirror images of each other like Bizarro and Superman. We shall leave you to argue amongst yourselves as to which is earth’s mightiest hero.

2. Stop making up stupid words. We here at the ANP love us some clever wordplay. Hell, we even love some bad wordplay, we are suckers for puns, but the well does not run deep when it comes to the portmanteau of politics. If you aren’t clever enough to contrive some more interesting neologisms it’s a safe bet that the rest of the cerebral spew coming out of your food hole is going to be the same variety of regurgitated mouth-turds. People using words like libtard are holding a deuce and we’re calling your bluff. Ante up, suckers. This kind of nonsense is just bait for a bigger shark to come along. We see your “Libtard” and raise you one “Cuntservative”. And just to throw the cuntservatives a bone, this one’s aces : Lïber Alles… and on that note…

3. Stop comparing everything to Hitler. Adolf was a bad, bad boy. He was so bad, in fact, that he singlehandedly erased an entire mustache style from human history. He’s the poster boy for all things villainous and the measuring stick for human cruelty. He is the anti-christ of anti-christs. Don’t think about that too hard, just go with it. As the sum of all evil no one wants to see another Hitler come into the world and boy, do they like to tell you about the warning signs. It seems as though there could be at least ten to twenty second-coming-of-Hitlers living on the world at this time. They’ve got their grimy Aryan hands into everything from schools to congress, according to the comment section of every website everywhere. Someone must geSTOPo this madness! I bet you did nazi that coming? Amirite?!

4. Stop trying to be the "non racist party". Speaking of comment sections…. There has never been a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. The racism is so thick it’s like a black girl’s booty. The political pundits of the world have traditionally used racism as the water hose to beat back the mob and separate the lights from the darks. The new trend is to try to appear to cater to minorities in an attempt to widen a voter base. I’m looking at you Republicans. But this isn’t about them it’s about you. Stop trying to pin the KKK on Democrats, conservitards. Democrats, you aren’t squeaky clean either. Stop saying “Jim Crowe era”, libtards. Just stop it. Everyone knows the only thing racism is good for is comedy anyway.

5. Stop invoking the founding fathers. There’s something stuck in my craw. Oh, it’s George Washington. If there is one thing that really chaps my ass it’s bandying about the founding fathers like they are 2-d picket signs. They hate you. All of you. They don’t fit into your box. They grew drugs on plantations run by slaves. They were members of clandestine occult organizations. They wrote provisions into the structure of government to prevent people like you from fucking it all up with your flippity-flappity lip smacking. Shut up.

6. Stop being a “talking head”. While you’re shutting up take a moment of silence and reflect on all those bullet points you were about to type. Nothing strains the rolling muscles in my eyes more than hearing the same contrived arguments repeated on a loop. It’s like a distress call begging for someone to come and help rescue them. Only in this instance it’s not zombies or aliens but the slow creeping death that is objective realization. Cognitive dissonance is D-Day for your flimsy paradigm and we are stormin’ the shore. Unless you are going to grow some really beautiful plumage, just stop with the parroting of television catch phrases and talking points. It makes me want to compose a country ballad entitled “Your sloganeerin’ leaves me tearin’”. Stop drinking the kool aid about drinking the kool aid.

7. Stop taking everything so personally. Opinions are like assholes as they say. Being essentially a meat-tube, you are entitled to your smelly asshole as is everyone else. One thing is sure no one’s opinion is going to jeopardize anyone's lifestyle or change anything at all, especially someone's mind. Unless the opinion is something as blatantly retarded as racism most of them aren’t going to affect anyone in any calculable way. Everyone comes from different backgrounds and has had different experiences and unless you are being trolled their opinions aren’t meant as personal attacks. Life isn’t about the situation it’s how you handle the situation. Get your panties out of a bunch and unclench your fists. Use that renewed manual strength to operate the scroll wheel. There's a cute kitten video right around the corner. Relax.

8. Stop blindly supporting a party. I know you are a total lozer and are probably not invited to most parties but these don’t want you either. At best you are a faceless number. Democrats, guess what? Your leaders are never actually going to be liberal. Oh man, that’s a hoot. Career politicians working for the good of the people? Stop sleeping until noon, hippie. Time to wake up to the nightmare. Republicans. Where to even begin? How about the term fiscal conservative. Somebody needs to get a new prescription for their lenses because there are a few extra zeroes on this bill. You’ll never be able to claim that title until you crawl out of the bloated ass of the military-industrial complex. Yeah I used that phrase. Go hire a mercenary group to shut me up if you don’t like it. Whoah! Blam! Oh and Libertarians, you are the saddest clowns of all. More government equates to more money for the aforementioned career politicians who feign to champion your cause and profit from the same system they decry. Politics is an insider's game that operates on a level with a scope that far surpasses your cat-like ADD. Look a string!

9. Stop forecasting doom. As far as I can tell there are no political analysts who are also gypsy fortune tellers, though they do try quite hard to pawn off their snake oil. Listen up Nostradumbasses, your portents of doom always explode in your face Hindenburg style. Stop acting like every political issue is going to lead to a dystopian future. Sure, shits fucked up but gay marriage isnt going to lead to sodomizing goats on every street corner. And for sure, singing a song about Jesus once a year isnt going to turn your kid into a brainwashed zealot.

Merry christmas.

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*based on imaginary algorithms