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Fear ... It's what's for dinner.

There's a special kind of magic in subverting the power of the masses with the iron grip of fear. It's a shrewd move if you are a super-villain , a religio-political regime , or middle management in a retail chain. Debilitating the opposition with fear is a tried and true method of assuring your place at the head of the pack.

You can rest assured that fear based propaganda is part of your daily diet. It is one of the basic food groups and is thus often served to your children at school along side the Preservative Platter and Sugar Shock Soft Drinks they scarf down . And they better do it fast or no pie ! Our senses are overloaded to a point where we cannot digest the data that is being taken in minute by minute and often we , or rather you, don't even realize when your emotions are being manipulated with fear.

In truth , most Americans experience their daily routines as a succession of fears ranging from 'mild' to 'complete fucking meltdown'. This of course feeds the rampant over-medication of society and consequently the wallets of the pharmaceutical companies. The same companies who contributed to the campaigns of the politicians who are trickling down this piss-stream of paranoia. But I digress . Let us return to the day of the average Joe.

Joe Blow wakes up , not to breakfast in bed, not to a quickie with the wife, but to an alarm. "Be a productive part of society or die ," the alarm wails. Joe tries to soften the blow by setting the alarm to the radio. His only accomplishment is to get half a verse of some bad eighties' song stuck in his head for the rest of the day. He jolts out of bed to the refrain of Come On Eileen remembering that the owner/president/ceo of Genericorp is making a personal appearance at the office. He is afraid he will make the wrong impression, maybe get fired and lose his house , maybe become a bum, maybe have to perform fellatio on strangers for crack money.

Joe worries that his prostate is too big and his penis too small. Joe is afraid that god sees him masturbate. Joe is scared of blacks/whites/tans/yellows. Joe listens to talk radio while he chugs coffee and screams obscenities at other motorists. His rage is an extension of his fear. Joe is afraid of losing control.

Hey, relax ! Take a load off buddy. Why not take in a good movie? It's your call. We've got tornados and earthquakes, nuclear winter , ELE meteor impacts. We've got volcanoes , alien invasions, movies about lupus and cancer. Not your cup of tea? How about the evening news ? Had enough murder , rape, corporate fraud , home invasion,and/or gang violence for one day? How about insurgents, terrorists and fanatical religious zealots? No? Of course you haven't. That's entertainment !

Joe Blow : Fear Coma

Hollywood and the media volley a constant barrage of fear over the walls of reason. The average American's already paranoid and delusional egos eat it up like all you can eat steak at the buffet. We (the collective you) gorge ourselves on it until we are comatose. If you were a clever enough prick, you might argue that this entire article is just being afraid of fear. But then again you are probably too afraid to open your trap about anything. Let's take a look at some of the ways which the balls of the public are properly removed, shall we ?

The Fearamid

The gubment has got your metaphorical scrote in a figurative vice , the pain , however , is real. That sick feeling in your gut isn't from the larvae in your Big Mac. Uncle Sam knows you are easily frightened and manipulated and he touches your no-no zone with earnest zest. Uncle Sam wants you .... to be afraid.

The fact that humans are terrified of everything under the sun (and also including the sun : heliophobia) makes the job of the shadowy puppet master a very simple process. The categorical list of fears would, i fear, be far too long to print here but they would somehow fall into one of the six fear groups - even if I had to smash it down with my foot first.

Like servings of meat, bread and vegetables , fears are consumed on a daily basis and can be grouped together under one of the six major headings which are as follows : Economic , Medical , Criminal , Religious , Environmental , and Military.

It would not be atypical if you experienced a fear related to one of these categories at least once everyday. The local and global media surely won't let you rest.

In between the sparse human interest stories about old toothless hags that have managed to live 105 years in this godforsaken toilet and dogs calling 9-1-1 because their owner is laying on the floor choking on a pork chop, you'll find that the space is entirely consumed by exploitive fear mongering and obvious psychological ploys.

They can and will make any story sound potentially life threatening. The "News" is little more than sensationalist reality television at this point. The live coverage of news stations like CNN or FOX is truly a spectacle to behold. They will even report that there is nothing to report. Thanks for keeping me up to date !

They summon the spectre of fear to loom largely in the audience's mind, always promising some inevitable doom.

Fear has become a specialized field , like any in western society. There are very specific buttons that are pushed to elicit the desired response. The shadowy manipulators are propagandist gigolos diddling the clit of your doom-womb. They know how to make your knees buckle. In order to frighten the largest number of sheeple at one time, the Ron Jeremy's of the Illuminaughty have taken the attack right to your g-spot.

Today's hot button of fear is terrorism and they are pounding that thing like a catholic school girl on prom night. By now everyone in the U.S. is aware of the color coded terrorism rainbow, that is of course considering only those who can actually speak Americanese. We here at the ANP think tank feel that , in these turbulent and randomly categorized times, the system of five colors is not enough. It does not adequately describe the varied states of panic , fear, anxiety and mental dysfunction that truly define the culture of 21st century America. As a public service we have combined our good sense with poor taste to bring you the new Homeland Security Big Gay Fear Rainbow. The following is a brief breakdown of the levels of the new terror code :

Doomed : Get off the internet and kiss your ass good-bye.
We're Fucked : In labia pink, to commemorate the penetration of our sanctitty. Death is nigh.  
Holy Shit : Our leaders have failed us once again. Appeal to your god(s) for salvation.  
Imminent : Tuck your tail and run for cover. Do you have a life insurance policy? The clock is ticking.  
Severe : Korean corner store owner beware. This level fear often causes riots.  
Extreme : The demarcation of the Brown Zone. Put on your boots.  
High : On the border of the brown zone, the orange level is sometimes referred to as the Taint because it taint yellow and it taint brown.  
Kirkin : The establishment's 'hip' attempt to use a slang term. Others considered were wiggin and trippin. Kirkin was chosen (by a nerd) because it utilizes the same color as the shirt of the captain by the same name.  
Elevated : Have you bought your water and duct tape yet? How about a gas mask? Better safe than sorry.  
Entrenched : Like that thong-th-thong thong thong in the sweaty ass of your governmental overlord.

 
Guarded : Your average, run of the mill type of fear. This is the normal terror threat level in everyday American life.  
Low : Let's face it. People want to blow you up. This level is more wishful thinking than anything else.  
Miniscule : Because there will never again be a time when there is no 'threat' of terrorism. Merry Christmas. It's a wonderful life.