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Editorial : The United Saints Of America


If you've spent any time on the internet chances are good you've stumbled your way into a political debate or two hundred. After dodging the volley of watered down catch-phrases and current talking-point memes, you've no doubt been inevitably bludgeoned by the big stick of the founding fathers. The names of the founding fathers are swung about like weapons to beat back all forms of political dissent. Names like George Washington, Ben Franklin and Ronald Reagan...

History is written by the winners and these figures of American lore have become like saints in a pantheon of mythology that rivals the Greeks. The demagogues have created demigods of these historical figures, painting them with broad strokes to line the frescoes of our American history textbooks. With their naughty bits covered by only the scantest of grape leaves the sharks of modern media would go into a feeding frenzy to expose what lies beneath the surface. Not only were these men not as altruistically one-dimensional as portrayed but chances are good that they'd royally despise each and every one of you.

Everyone knows that George Washington couldn't tell a lie and ratted himself out about that cherry tree. Well, that's vandalism chief! But being a public nuisance is only a drop in the bucket for someone like Washington. Not being able to tell a lie would certainly truncate his political career in this modern era. I mean , when you are the grandmaster of a secret cult that worships Baphomet, the red tape involved in keeping that a secret would be a logistical nightmare... no matter how stunning it looked with your satin cape and pitchfork.

Washington was the Masonic Grandmaster for the new world. Together with his initiates he branded the United States government with all sorts of illuminaugty imagery. From the pyramid on the dollar to the layout of Washington DC itself, the stamp of The Masons is forever sealed into the bedrock of this country. The lack of a scandal-seeking media set up an arena for America's first president and resident sorcerer to pave the way for his anthropomorphic overlords to drink of our souls like a frat-boy doing a kegstand.

In the 2012 election nobody really seemed to care that Mitt Romney was a Mormon, despite his allegiance to an intergalactic entity residing on an alien home world. Apparently as long as you're not a scientologist you can avoid the brunt of internet meme-icide, but initiation rituals and runed aprons might be pushing the boundaries. The only thing that belongs with a belt is a bible. Or possibly a fanny pack, which incidentally would be fantastic for carrying your daily supply of laudanum of which Washington was also supposedly under the influence.

Note: "supposedly" means"definitely" in the court of public opinion. Guilty !

Washington, like most every buckle-shoed honkey, also owned slaves. Although he eventually freed his slaves he proved that his heart was as wooden as his teeth as he only did so because they had become economically unfeasible. It doesn't matter though because, hey, everybody owned slaves. No big deal, right? Besides Thomas Jefferson is a much better example to use in this case.

Tommy Boy was straight pimpin'. He one-upped Washington and actually knocked-up his slaves, supposedly*(see note). Jefferson suffered most of his adult life with a wicked case of Jungle Fever and is credited to have treated this affliction by fathering several children to one of his slaves, Sally Hemings. I'm using the word 'fathering' here in the same way that Zeus would have 'fathered' a child while in the form of a horse.

Jefferson opposed slavery in legislation but adopted the "if you can't beat 'em join 'em" mentality and operated a huge plantation in Virginia which boasted a slave population several times that of Washington's. Monticello was home to more than a hundred slaves.


Virginia is for lovers as they say. With all that ass running around it's amazing that he even had time to powder his wig let alone father a dozen children and strong arm France out of Louisiana like Tony Soprano. There's virtually no chance that even a highly educated silvery tongued devil like Jefferson could weasel his way out of an illicit affair scandal. That shit is the life force of America. The pulse of the nation can be seen throbbing in its skinny jeans.

I could have made a camel-toe joke but I'm pretty sure camel is an NSA keyword so strike that ....


While we're on the topic of boners, nobody seemed to have more of them than randy old Benjamin Franklin. This American Superhero was essentially the Keith Richards of the founding fathers. While playing several instruments and even inventing one, Franklin's favorite instrument was always the sly tromboner.

A revolutionary era Charlie Sheen , and certainly no minute man, Benji had a taste for the ladies among other things. Even in a time when communication was relegated to guys carrying letters on horseback he still cultivated quite a reputation for himself. Like most well-to-do fat cats in their time with health problems Franklin used a substantial amount of laudanum his damn self and given his proclivities he'd be the first founding father struck down by a media smear campaign.

Laudanum was essentially the medical marijuana of the revolutionary era relieving every ailment from blue balls to boredom. The difference being that opium is a wee bit more intoxicating. They don't say "religion is the marijuana of the masses".

Big Ben was the powder wig era's version of a rock star. One can only dream wistfully of the drug fueled tweets and DUI mugshots this magnificent bastard would have bequeathed.

I have little doubt there would be a tumblr dedicated to sexted pictures of his lightning rod in roughly a fortnight from his sleazy entry into the modern political arena. We live in a strange era. Intoxicated by a sadistic voyeurism we yearn for blood. We turn to our modern gladiatorial arena, 'the news', to sate that lust. Watching other people fail somehow replaces a sense of self accomplishment or alleviates tension about one's own permafucked station in life. No one is safe from its accusatory glare as it stares back into our empty souls...... As always when I say "we" I mean "you".

The media feeds on negative emotion like some kind of demon summoned by Washington and his cloaked stooges. We offer our lesser celebrities as sacrifice to feed its ravenous appetite but its lust will never cease. Its not satisfied merely with an aged ranting Mel Gibson or the occasional Lindsey Lohans of the world. These craven scoundrels are entertaining but ultimately merely self destructive. The beast craves a more succulent prey, politicians. The implications of their corruption are much more far reaching and nourishing to the belly of the beast. Not only does the political theater offer endless varieties of fresh meat but it also presents easy targets who are often unaccustomed to the wild gaze of the public eye. The proverbial deer in headlights.

What is seen can never be unseen and we can all be thankful that scandalous photographs of a cross dressing J Edgar Hoover haven't crossed our Facebook feeds. Or not. If ever there was a time when we could use a president that could put himself in a woman's shoes it's now. If that has to be actual heels with a smart evening dress and adorable clutch then so be it.

Yeah. So , anyway . How about them sports?

Speaking of manliness, Teddy Roosevelt, the nations most bad ass president, rustled up criminals like John Marston before going into politics and probably wrestled bears for fun. No matter. If he ran for office today he'd have his testicles bronzed and mounted on a plaque in the corporate offices of PETA. I imagine it would be a pretty big plaque though.

Be honest, Abe. What's under that hat?