Ever wanted to feel like you were making a difference without really putting forth too much effort? Are you too busy running the rat race of daily life to dedicate any time to making positive social change? We empathize with your plight. Modern life is a serious buzzkill and really, how are we supposed to enjoy our priveledges and comforts if we spend all of our free time standing in picket lines and writing letters to congressmen ? As if ! The ANP is here to give your pointless life some meaning or at least the illusion of it.
The Online Petition To End Online Petitions
Besides a leaf blower, is there anything more pointless than an online petition ? The e-world is abuzz with armchair activists harranguing inboxes far and wide with their poorly scripted trivialities. There are a handful of things the human animal finds nearly impossible to abstain from, two of which are following the herd and forwarding emails. You can see now the allure of the online petition. We understand its futility and we will fight this imaginary fire with more imaginary fire. The ANP has the market cornered on delusions of slacktivist grandeur. Links to sign the petition follow. Feel free to email it to every single person youve ever known in any way and demand their signatures "if they know what's good for them".
Dear The Internet,
We , the representatives of The Apathetic Nihilist Party and the undersigned, recognize the impact you've made on the world and the huge strides you've made in innovating the way we communicate and live our daily lives. You've given a voice to millions across the globe to be freely heard and recognized. Anyone with the ability to navigate a web browser has been given a platform and a microphone to broadcast their opinons. A really loud , ear piercing , hot knife in the face , brain-raping microphone.
Like the constant chirping of insects we try to ignore it but there is always that one cricket in the corner that just won't die . It's shrill calls , futile as they may be, reverberate in our space and distract us . The Internet's chirping cricket is the online petition.
We do hereby and forthwith request an immediate ban on all current petitions, including this one ! We one-up your ego gratifying acts of futility. That's how we roll. The pinnacle of pointlessness. Slacktivist perfection.
We acknowledge the inherent flaws in our master plan and revel in its oxymoronicism. As well , we know that we do this not to better society but for our own selfish ends, to make us feel good about ourselves. And boy do we ever.
We, the undersigned, support the Online Petition to Ban Online Petitions